Love and Power

I spent quite a while in the "self help" section of a large bookstore today. It was interesting to see what was available for relationships. Judging by the frequency of certain topics, one could be forgiven for thinking that relationship dysfunction is as prevalent as any other modern disease. Without meaning to sound too much like a grumpy old man - "it's no wonder". With some of the ordinary (yet politically correct) advice on offer, it's no wonder people don't know about love relationships.

There's lots of acknowledgment that in order to be happy, we need to relate - that's how we're wired. Unfortunately, a lot of books have a "what's in it for me" approach. For instance, some focus on "how to pick the good'uns" (people, that is) and how to avoid the "duds" so that you can "get" the "most" out of your relationship (win/lose). One book claimed to know what women wanted, and what men wanted so the made two lists on the back. Apparently, men want sex and women want power.

Another book quite rightly claimed that the one with the most power in the relationship cares the least for the relationship. I happen to agree with that. Thank goodness not all books would lead you up the garden path.
I would put it to you that having a power monger in a relationship would necessarily turn that relationship into one of slavery - not one of mutual love. I don't think that statement requires explanation. When you love someone, you are keen to synergise with them and you think nothing of giving up control over them to do so. In fact, you do so gladly because you want to be of service to them. Ooooh, bet there are some out there that have alarm bells ringing from that politically incorrect statement. "what!? I'll be no one's servant, I am my own person!" I hear you say emphatically - "no one is the boss of me". Quite right, if you want to be an island - which by prior definition implies inevitable un-happiness.

Love is a verb. It is something you do. It is something you volunteer. It is something you get enthustiastic about volunteering. It is an inter-dependency (not a counter-dependency) that you choose. It is the opposite of power. Love (for one another) and (the desire for) power (over one another) are diametrically opposed to each other. So if you are in a relationship with someone, you need to choose which one it is that you want - love, or power.

You have the power to choose.

Nothing for the swim home

If it's worth earning, it's worth protecting
Around the time the latest American war in Iraq started, there was a lot of talk about how the allies were gonna give the Iraqis democracy. I remember seeing an American intellectual being interviewed saying something along the lines of "The Iraqis aren't ready for democracy. They haven't had to fight and bleed to earn it..." - hardly a politically correct theory.
However I have to say, I happen to think there's a good amount of truth to it, for two reasons. 1) A contrived democracy doesn't have the durability to withstand the rigors of the real problems faced by it's constituents. 2) It's constituents haven't had the necessary paradigm shift in their collective consciousness to appreciate what a home-grown democracy costs and to put aside those who would threaten it in the name of lesser problems.
For the sake of this discussion, I would like to cast a husband/wife relationship into the same pattern. How do you know it's real if you have never had to work, or suffer to preserve it. It's kinda like knowing you're alive because you can feel pain. If your love is bought with well tested conviction, would you not set aside your problems or misgivings that may threaten it?

How much can you take?
But how much can your commitment take? At what point will you be pushed too far?
The is a line in one of my favorite movies which I believe is excellent inspiration to anyone asking themselves this question. It's from the film Gataca, where two brothers used to compete against each other to see who could swim the furtherest out to sea. Whoever turned back first was the looser. For most of their young lives, the older brother would always win. Then the younger brother started to win. Anyway, the dialog from the older brother to the younger brother goes something like this...
"How come I used to beat you all the time and now you beat me?"
The younger brother replies...
"It's simple. I left nothing for the swim home."
Basically what he did was give up his security. This society is obsessed with self preservation. Marriage partners a not competing against each other (even if they think they are), but against the things that would threaten their marriage: against the tyrany of distance between their points of view, against outside influcences and circumstance that would conspire against them, against their own weaknesses. Often times, what's called for is the giving up of things that used to bring us personal security in favor of embracing things that give the relationship security - then we can get our security from the relationship. But all too often we choose not to be confident in the relationship and we refuse to commit, preferring instead to hang on to things (habits etc) which have always made us comfortable. Thereby expressing less confidence in the relationship and degrading it in a way which will attract less of your confidence. It's a downward spiral.

Statistics say your marriage is more likely to fail than succeed. The odds are against your marriage and the dream that it was meant to fulfill. If you want to beat the odds, both of you have to be willing to leave nothing for the swim home.

About this blog

Recently I watched a documentary about a guy roughly my age who woke up one day on a subway train with complete retrograde amnesia. He could not remember a single detail of his life up to that point. It was a dramatic story, but the thing that struck me most is his appraisal everything about life through the eyes of a born again person. It was like being a child but with the benefits of being a discerning adult capable of complex reasoning.

Often one gets so caught up in life that we often don't see the forest for the trees. Every now and then some of us come up out of the forest canopy for air and take a look around. I think it is important to consciously do this from time to time. This blog is to get me to think out loud. You have to put a bit more effort into organising your thoughts if you're going to share them in public. A lot of people write for their own benefit and they hope that somehow, curious onlookers may benefit too. Myself and this blog and no different.

I hope you find this blog interesting enough to return visit from time to time.

Regards,
Terence.